Institutionalize the Irrational
God I love this awful, crazy, chaotic, disastrous, amazing life!! I don’t understand anything. Not one single thing. I’m running full speed with a blindfold on, and I love it. I’m going to get knocked flat on my ass again one day, but I think that’s life too.
Life is just a series of running, getting knocked down, shaking it off, getting back up and running again. Of course, this all sounds like complete psychotic rambling, but that’s okay too because I’m happy.
There have been some things said to me in the last little while that make me think that I have to be the most blessed person in the entire world. Some things that make me wish they had been written down, just so I could go back and reread them over and over again, even though I remember every word.
I also laughed at someone the other day, and it was the best thing ever. Not because I was being mean, but because I’m right, but even I am not entirely willing to acknowledge it.
I told someone, “One day, we’re going to get into a fight. I’m going to throw hairbrushes, hot straighteners, shoes, and anything else I can find. And you’ll do the same thing. You’ll throw suitcases and neckties and shoes too. And the next day, we’re going to get married.”
Then he laughed and said, “probably.”
Running with a blindfold on. Scary, stupid, dangerous. Freeing, relieving, flying. It’s all completely irrational. But I think that’s what makes it life, isn’t it?
Edit the Regrets
I have decided that I’m entirely done. I’m smart enough to realize that this kid isn’t the one that was meant for me, and I’m being stupid in following him around wishing he were, while there are tons of other people out there wanting to treat me SO right.
I’m human, I’ve made mistakes and have regrets. But I know that one day when I look back on the times when I gave something (or someone) everything I had, when I gave it my all, I will never look back on those times wishing I hadn’t, even if I failed.
I spoke to him two days ago and finally got the answers I needed to go on with my life, and that’s okay with me. I needed to hear what I heard, and we had a conversation like adults, or at least as adult as two teenagers can muster after something like this. There wasn’t any white trash screaming in the parking lot this time, at least. No crying either. So that’s always a plus. This time, I’m not angry. I’m not even sad really. I’m just ready to move on. I’m ready to get caught up in something. Ready to let myself live again, instead of being pulled in to all of his baggage.
On another note, I moved into a different dorm yesterday. Though I’m very glad to be away from Jill and Chelsea, the new dorm room is a downgrade, and more than slightly disgusting. Kellie and I cleaned the room to the walls before we would put our stuff in there, and the walls have more tack holes and junk like that on it the others. So, we’re trying to cover it all up with signs, plaques, and junk like that. Any ideas on how we should decorate this semester? I’m thinking western, at least on my part. :) (My “cowgirls place” sign is already up!)
Edit the backup plan
That damn ex….he’s already having problems with that girl he left me for. So what does he do? He’s trying to keep me around, like a plan B if things don’t work with her. Nobody deserves what he’s been putting me through, I swear. He’s used me, talked to her behind my back while we were dating, left me for her, and now he wants to keep me around because he didn’t know things would be this hard?
Fuck this shit. I deserve so much better than this. There are people in my life that want to make me a priority, who know just how lucky they would be to have me. There are people who want to treat me SO right. Why would I want to be someone’s plan B, when I could be someone’s one and only?
I cared about this kid alot, I’ll be the first to admit. And I don’t want to let him go. But I know that I don’t deserve this. I deserve to be happy, and not worry about who he’s texting when I’m not around; who he’s thinking about when I’m laying beside him. There are people who would give the world to have me, but he’s not one of those people.
I want to go into the Air Force so bad right now. Just to get away. To make myself strong, and to know that I can make a difference somewhere. I can do what I love…and not worry about stupid shit like this anymore. I graduated high school, this shit should have stayed there. I want to focus. I want to run. I want to feel passionate about what I’m doing. I want the military.
Edit the Illusion
The place you lose yourself is the same place you’ll find yourself.
I visited a place I used to know last night. I’m not sure why I felt the need to go there, but I just went. It wasn’t a thinking process, so much as it was a simple, innate need to go back to where I feel like I was the happiest. It had been so long since I had gone, I thought I would have forgotten how to get there. But when you leave a part of yourself at a place like that, I don’t think you ever truly forget how to find it again.
It was dark and cold, but it was so much like home I felt like it was July again, and I was running. Running down a path, holding onto the reins of a stocky horse as he rampaged down one of our favorite old dirt hills. I could smell the sticky heat of summer again, and the smell of old leather, like my saddle and bridle after a day of riding in the sun. I remembered. I didn’t realize what I was doing last night, not as much as I thought I did. But I remember seeing that old metal gate, and I remembered putting it up with my Daddy what feels like centuries ago. I saw the barn, with its old, decaying wood and its door swinging open, and I could’ve sworn that I could walk in and hear Daddy yelling at me for leaving it open, saying “Were you raised in a barn?” Everything was so vivid. I closed my eyes and could almost swear I heard horses, and tractors, and four wheelers again.
And then I opened my eyes. I was standing at the metal gate, in the dark, cold, December rain, looking at an abandoned barn and a pasture full of unfamiliar cows through the headlights. And I smiled. Because where I lost myself, I found myself again.
“I can be tough. I can be strong. But with you, it’s not like that at all. There’s a girl who give a shit, behind this wall. You just walk through it….”
Avril Lavigne
Edit the people
Damn Damn Damn, what I’d do to have you near, near, near….I wish you were here… yep, it’s an Avril Lavigne kind of day. I don’t care what people are trying to flirt with me, hit on me, whatever. I’m still hurting. But there’s one major difference between me and the guy that just left me. I have a backbone.
This is the fourth day that I haven’t spoken to him, fifth day since he broke up with me. I’m enjoying my friends and family and their escapades as of late; they’re all goofy and I enjoy the time I have with them. But in the back of my chest I still feel that sting. But I’m smarter than he ever was. I’m a big enough person to know I’m not over him, and smart enough to not get involved with someone else to try to get over it. He hurt me enough for me to never want to do that to somebody else. But that doesn’t stop guys from trying.
One of my best guy friends has now formed some sort of crush on me. FML. I love the kid to death, but there is no way I could ever date him. Like I told my roommate last night, I can’t date anyone that I have the potential to beat up. It’s just a common ground. If you’re smaller than me, it’s easier for me to get mad and angry and scary. If you’re bigger than me, I know I can’t beat you. I can talk all I want, be full of fiery pissed off verbal acclamations, but I know before I ever get started that I’m the smaller one in the relationship. I have to be smaller, or I’ll be big enough to run you over. It’s just the way it is.
In the meantime, I’m not speaking to him. I’m still waiting with curiosity as to what will happen next. I want to see if he’s legitimate about the whole “I’m still gonna be there for you. I still wanna be friends” bullshit he pulled on Friday. But he also told me Friday that she would be off my facebook by Saturday. It’s Tuesday, and she’s constantly the first status I see when I get on facebook. If he can’t even make her unfriend me, then that just says alot about who wears the pants, as if we didn’t all know that to start with. I doubt he’ll say a word to me until they’re over again. But that being said, I’m not sure that that will take too long.
As for me, I’m hurt and I do have the urge to talk to him. But I’m too damn stubborn to talk to him right now. Unless he decides to talk to me, I’m getting over him. In the meantime, I’m singing.
Damn Damn Damn….I wish you were here….
“And I should’ve been there in the back of your mind; I shouldn’t be asking myself why. You shouldn’t be begging for forgiveness at my feet. You should’ve said no, and baby then you might still have me.”
Taylor Swift
Institutionalize the Journalists
I love my job, and my major. Journalism has to be one of my favorite things ever. In addition to writing, which I love, I’ve also become very close with a few of my other journalists. Plus, we have to be the meanest sons of bitches anyone has ever known, but we love it all the same. In the end, we’re pretty smart. We know how to get the answers we want. We never ask closed ended questions. If you beat around the bush, we’ll call you on it. And that’s just about the way it was today. It’s soggy and rainy and cold, but for some reason I enjoy that way too much today. (I normally cannot STAND the rain or the cold, but today….well, I guess that goes to show how odd today has started.)
My third home in Yalobusha Hall is all nice and cozy, and I brought brownies in for our Christmas party today. Who do I find upon walking in? Will and Stacia. God I adore those two. Put together, I swear no one could ever beat us out in an insult or bitching contest. Anyhow, Stacia comes in and starts telling me about her job and her new tattoo, when her phone starts playing some random song. I bust out of my chair in the corner and dance like an idiot. Oh yes, this happens in journalism. As soon as I’m done with that, Will comes in. He’s soaking wet, so he decides it’s a great time for a hug. You can’t get mad at him for it; it cracked me up so hard. So, upon bitching for a little while (you have no idea how fun that activity is when those two are with you), I had to go to class and they went to Wal-Mart. Now, for references sake, I have one a black hoodie, black skinny jeans, and purple rain boots. When I start walking to class, Stacia is yelling from the car, “Shelby going hood!!!” I almost fell out in the mud puddle. Apparently my little white-girl ass looked ghetto walkin down the sidewalk. Oh that was too funny.
Of course, this has made my day. I’m still cold and wet resemble a drowned rat, but you know what? There is no way anything is ruining my day today. It’s gonna be too much fun! They’re singing the lion king song “when I was a young wartHOG!!” “When he was a young WartHOG!!!!” Oh my god…..day made. We should be in a mental institution. We’d be best friends with EVERYBODY!!!
Institutionalize best friend telepathy
I love my friends so much. Since that dumbfuck ex of mine decided I wasn’t good enough, my friends have all rallied around me like I’m the shining star on the Christmas tree. One of my high school friends, Eda, spent Friday night with me watching sappy movies and criminal minds all night, sucking up chocolate ice cream and cookie dough like good girls do. Saturday (yesterday), I drove to Memphis to go to the mall with the twins, and spent a good five and a half hours there. Last night, I was alone and feeling very down, so I went driving down the back roads blaring the radio to every piss-on-him song I could find (those are more difficult to find than you’d think. The radio has been overtaken with those damn chipmunk Christmas songs. FML.), when I get a call from my absolute best friend, JB. We’ve been inseparable since 6th grade, but she went to Ole Miss this year while I’m stuck at Tate State.
“Hey, where are you right now?” “Uh, I’m driving down the back roads toward Como. What are you doing?” “I’m on my way to Waffle House in Senatobia. Care to join me?” Abso-freaking-lutely!!! I love best friend telepathy. God knows I’ve needed her for the last couple days, and for some reason she’s needed some best friend time too. So I stayed at Waffle House, which is REALLY dangerous compared to Huddle House, until about 1 in the morning. Oh, I’m so glad she came. I so needed to see her.
Then of course there’s today. Church, first thing. That’s the first time in the last few days that I’ve been able to release the pain I’ve been holding on to and focus on what Christ has given me to get back on my feet and go in the right direction. I am more thankful than ever that I have a great church and great church family. Then, one of my absolute best guy friends, Ryan, went to lunch with me. The routine is that we would ALWAYS go eat after church on Sundays, but we haven’t in like a month. So I was also very glad he got to hang out with me today.
I just decided I was going to dedicate this post to all of my fabulous friends who love me more than I will ever understand,and thank them for being there, even when I absolutely can’t handle my own self.
On another short note, the ex told me that he would have the girl he’s going back to unfriend me and get rid of her facebook by Saturday. Not only is she still on facebook and my friend, she liked my status, which was the lyrics to “she won’t be lonely long.” If she hasn’t unfriended me by Tuesday, I’m calling him and he’s not going to enjoy it. Farewell for now, my dears.
“Heaven help the fool who did her wrong. It’s too late, too bad, she’s too far gone. He should’ve thought of that before he left her all alone. If she’s lonely now, she won’t be lonely long.”
Clay Walker
